Although Chicago Tribune columnist Mary Schmich is usually too self-consciously clever for my taste, she did produce the likely-to-be-immortal Kurt Vonnegut commencement address (“Wear sunscreen”). Today’s offering, “Our Winters Have Gone Soft, and So Are We”, isn’t nearly as funny, but it is as true as “Don’t worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum.”
Early this week, with a little snow in the forecast, the former hog butchers to the world started twittering as if we lived inTucson. . . .
. . . our little patch of global warming has turned us into winter weaklings. We’ve had so little snow for so long that former Olympic shovelers have been reduced to amateurs, their winter muscle atrophied, their winter gumptiongone. . . .
Way back in the last century, kiddos, winter was so nasty that a mayor got elected because the previous mayor couldn’t clear the snow. Winter was once so bad that not only did it snow up to your ears, it sometimes stayed up there until May.
Winter in Chicago used to be boot camp, kids. Now it’s a spa.
Temperatures prance around in the 50s. Snow blows in to get us all excited, then zooms out faster than a gigolo. That’s not winter, kids. That’s Charlotte.
It’s certainly not Christmas Eve 1983. The wind chill factor that night was 100 below, and I had a party to go to. The newscasts warned me not to expose any bare skin to the weather, so I covered my face with the only protection available, a Wookie mask left over from Halloween. Nowadays I hardly ever need ear muffs.
When I lived for several years in Northern Virginia, I made fun of the way that the locals panicked at every feathery dusting of snow. Then I came back to Chicago and have watched the locals here devolve in the same direction. As Miss Schmich says,
Snow, snow, scary snow was coming! Batten down the parking spots!
Shortly before the scary, scary snow started falling, I heard a woman in the supermarket line tell the clerk she was there to stock up on provisions before the snow hit. Oh please. That's what they do in Atlanta. In Orlando. In cities that have the winter muscle tone of squids.
It’s all a consequence of Global Warming, I presume. Yes, overall, I think that warming trends are great. I don’t really want to dig out the Wookie mask again. But it is sad to see 21st Century Chicagoans unable to cope with a bit of winter.
Comments