There never was a more careful man than Hamilcar Wilts. Although the only river in his vicinity was two feet wide and looked badly in need of water, Hamilcar kept a rowboat on his roof in case of a flood. In the rowboat there was a raft, in case the boat leaked, and the raft’s equipment included needles for sewing furs, in case Hamilcar was carried to the far north, and an augur for opening coconuts, in case he was carried to the tropics. There wasn’t much against which Hamilcar wasn’t prepared.
Hamilcar banished all poisonous or inflammable materials from his home, and stocked his medicine cabinet with every potion known to man, including an ointment to treat butter slicer’s squint, which is a form of eyestrain affecting the pygmies who cut butter pats for restaurants. He filled his home with fire extinguishers, lightning rods and an elephant gun, and sometimes relaxed by sipping a sterilized glass of boiled beer. Within his fortress, Hamilcar felt safe.
Eight miles away, however, lived a dolt named Boggle. Boggle blew up his house one day while trying to open a can of gasoline with a blowtorch. The explosion threw him seventy feet into a warehouse of pillows, where he landed so gently that it barely knocked the ashes off his cigarette.
When Hamilcar heard the explosion he thought something had damaged one of his trees, so he quickly donned a pair of lineman’s gloves (in case of live wires) and a bee veil, hurried out to the yard . . . and was promptly crushed by Boggle’s plummeting stove.
The moral: The chances of getting eaten by a leopard on Main Street are one in a million, but once is enough.
When I was a boy, I acquired a paperback volume entitled Your Own Book of Funny Stories. My copy disappeared long ago, but “How Hamilcar Wilts Prepared For Everything And Got It” impressed me so much that I copied out the text. The author was Robert M. Yoder (1907-1959), a humorist who once competed with Robert Benchley, Richard Armour, Ogden Nash, Will Cuppy, James Thurber and their ilk. He also was the first to record (or mayhap invent) Willie Sutton’s famous explanation of why he robbed banks. (“That’s where the money is.”) Sic transit gloria mundi. He now has not so much as a Wikipedia entry.
I hope that the Yoder heirs won’t object to my having resurrected his narrative of Hamilcar Wilts’s inordinate quest for safety. It speaks, I think, to our present condition. (If they do object, I’ll gladly disgorge 100 percent of my profit from this republication of their ancestor’s work.)
What brought Hamilcar to mind was a timely article by John Tierney, “Keeping Fear Alive”:
Throughout the pandemic, American political and public-health leaders have been following Rahm Emanuel’s classic dictum for power-seeking officials: “You never want a serious crisis to go to waste.” Now they’ve adopted a corollary: you never want a crisis to end.
So they are prolonging the national misery instead of easing it, which could be done with a few simple strategies. Explain to the public that the virus will never disappear but is no longer a mortal threat to the vast majority of Americans. Encourage the minority still at risk to get vaccinated by honestly discussing who is in jeopardy and what scientists have learned about infections. Promote treatments proven to prevent infection and speed recovery while avoiding unproven treatments and mandates that cause collateral damage and generate mistrust. Above all, make it clear to Americans that we finally have reason to celebrate: what once seemed an unprecedented danger is now just one of many pathogens that we know how to live with.
But in the Wiltsian world, one never is willing to “live with” any risk, however limited and no matter what the cost of an incremental degree of safety. New Zealand has adopted the strategy of trying to shield itself behind an anti-coronavirus moat while locking down its populace for months on end. That “worked” for a time, but it could continue working only if the country either became a hermit kingdom like pre-Meiji Japan or used its interval of isolation to vaccinate its entire population. It hasn’t done the latter. “Only about 23% of its 5 million people have been fully vaccinated, the lowest rate among the 38 members of the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD).” But even 100 percent vaccination probably won’t satisfy Jacinth Ardern’s quest for perfect safety. In the absence of an unfailingly effective vaccine, Covid-19 won’t disappear, and New Zealand will never reopen.
The Arderns and Faucis of the world think that anyone who isn’t Wilts is Boggle. What they miss is that both extremes are dangerous, just in different ways.
Further reading: Andrew Stuttaford, “Sweden, Lockdowns, and New Zealand’s Maginot Medicine”
Comments